Conrad Boyce is the editor and publisher of the Cosmos. He has a BA in English from the University of Alberta and a diploma in journalism from Grant Macewan Community College in Edmonton. He lived and worked in the Yukon and Vancouver Island before arriving in Ontario in 1995. Beyond these pages, he is the Artistic Director of OnStage Uxbridge, and the technical manager of the Uxbridge Music Hall.
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Soliloquay for Mr. Squeaks
They brought me to the cottage this week, which is cool. While Grammy’s burping me, I like looking out the living room picture window at the trees, and the water, and the odd thing swimming by out there, although my vision is still a little iffy, so I can’t really make out things that far away. Even Grammy’s a bit fuzzy.
Perhaps I should introduce myself. The name is Callum Robert Allan Craig, and I’m six weeks old. Mom doesn’t often call me Callum Robert Allan Craig. She usually calls me Cal, or sometimes just C (my big brother Declan is D), and sometimes even #3 (I have another big brother named Mitchell - he’s #1, I guess).
But not long after I was born, Mom invented another name for me - Mr. Squeaks. That’s because a lot of the time when I’m not crying (which I don’t think I do nearly as much as other infants I’ve met), I make these little high-pitched noises which Mom and my dad call squeaks.
But you need to understand that these are not just random noises I’m making, maybe just for the sake of hearing myself squeak. Not at all. I’m talking, but I’m not very good at it yet, so it mostly just comes out as noises. I’m getting better, though, and I’m pretty sure pretty soon Mom and Grammy and the rest will be able to understand me quite well.
I have a lot to say, you see; there are important things I really need to get across. Just for one, I’d like to tell Grammy that I love it when she sings to me. She mostly does it to stop me from crying, but what she doesn’t know is that sometimes, I start crying just so she’ll pick me up and sing to me.
Anyway, I love the songs she sings. I’ve already memorized them, though, to the point where I could sing along if I knew how to make notes, or words for that matter. I hope she learns some new ones soon. Maybe something a little more 21st century. Some rap would be good.
I also need to tell mommy that I enjoy swinging in that chair she puts me in. It’s very relaxing after all the hard work we do together in getting that milk into me every couple of hours. But a fellow can only relax for so long. After a while, it gets a little claustrophobic in there. I like it when Grammy lays me on the ground, and I can just kick and wave my arms around and stuff. That’s fun, and I feel that it’s a suitable exercise program for a lad of my age.
There are a couple of things about being on the floor, though. At the cottage, because of the rain, Declan spent a lot of time indoors playing with his trains, and I think I might have knocked over his bridges a couple of times while I was exercising. He didn’t seem pleased, although he got over it fairly quickly. I feel it’s important to make friends with him, however, and avoid upsetting him. I am #3, after all, as they all keep reminding me.
The other thing about being on the floor, is that it’s awfully tempting sometimes to just flip over and crawl, although from what Mom was telling Grampy one day, I’m not supposed to do that for a few months yet. So I guess I’d better not; I wouldn’t want them to think I was a freak or anything.
Another matter I’ve been trying to bring up in my squeaking to Mom is the whole baby fashion thing. The things she’s mostly been dressing me in these first few weeks are certainly cuddly enough, I mean I haven’t been getting chilly or anything, and heaven knows they’re cute. There are little bears and ducks and stuff on most of them. Very sweet.
Declan, my almost-three-year-old brother, seems very big on “cute”. He even called the bathroom “cute” this week, which I thought was a bit over the top. But apparently I’ve inherited most of my outfits from him, Mom wanted to take advantage of the fact we’re both boys and be a bit frugal in that part of the family budget.
Now it’s not that I’m scornful of hand-me-downs or anything. But I’m a bit bigger than Declan was at my age, in a lot of different areas if you get my drift, and the sleepers are a mite snug. As well as being cute, which I can take or leave.
So I was just going to mention to Mum that perhaps she could splurge and get me something a bit looser, you know, like a hoody, and something a bit more on the edge fashion-wise.
So anyway, those are just a few of the issues I was trying to bring up with my squeaks this week. I’ll just keep trying. If I can learn their language, they can learn mine, right?
Thanks for listening.
